Sunday, July 17, 2005
It's been a while since i last paid attention to this blog, propably because "real life" took me away and led me astray (with my permission of course). Five months has passed and if you're going to ask me if i know where i am now, my answer would still be "no." I've been through a break-up, a soul search and again, into yet another love story and as always i am as confused as i was back then.
I don't really know where i first lost myself but i believe that all these circumstances surrounding myself right now has made me realize that i am at a crossroad wherein i have got to chose whether i give in or i go against the flow. I know that I want something more. I know that im tired of trivialities, of normality, of things i have already experienced and endured but like a sick cycle, life seems to go hard on me by making things unevitably recurr once more.
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karimlan sa gitna ng liwanag
at |6:15 AM|
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
New Old Year
This is five days late of being a "looking back through 2004" sort of article but nevertheless, let's employ the procrastinatory phrase: "better late than never"
2004 hasn't exactly been a "wonderful" year. Sure it had its major positive points but true enough it was filled with a lot of misadventures, missed opportunities, and signs of hopelessness. I know that this is a very pessimistic way of starting a brand new year but sometimes we have to admit the whole truth to finally let go and move forward.
1. This was the year that i took an overload of units. 4 majors and 1 deadly math 100 to be exact. This was not a good way of enjoying the semester but i had to do this so that hopefully i'll be able to graduate on time next year. (which is subject to me passing math 100 now)
2. This was the year that i fell -head over heels- in love with a person i knew i could never have because: a. he's taken b. he's got a family and c. he's married d. all of the above. Anyhow, amidst all the impossibilities of our situation i have managed to learn how to hold on by extending my patience (which i rarely do), by being understanding (which does not really characterize me) and by being illogical (yes, it's all heart and no brain work for me). Nevertheless, if there was one thing i found out about myself in this "romantic torture": it is the fact that there is still such a person that would fight for that elusive four letter word (L-o-v-e) no matter how difficult the circumstances are, no matter how bleak the situation is and no matter how different you both are. And that unfortunate, misguided soul happens to be ME.
3. This year i have started to drink coffee again. For a long time i have avoided getting hooked on caffeine like i am with nicotine but i failed miserably. If anything, i figured that coffee really helps when you're smoking.
4. This year i have learned to put a "small wall" between me and my closest circle of friends. I have finally admitted to myself that indeed they are forcing me to be someone i do not want to be. Our group is still intact but i left a small "breathing room" for us, so that i can surely be free of them, of their expectations and most of all their frigid, un-fun rules.
5. I learned how to defend myself. I have stopped being so mindful of what other people would tell about me, in front or behind my back. Let them say what they want, it's a free country. If they judge me, to hell with them.
6. I have learned to read polsci articles: For almost three years i was getting high grades in my majors even if i did not really read all those neccesary books per course. But now, i have resolved to learn ( well, it seems like it)
7. I have come to accept that i need to get thin. no explanations needed.
P.S.
I'll continue this tomorrow when i'm not so lazy.
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karimlan sa gitna ng liwanag
at |6:14 AM|
Thursday, December 30, 2004
A Day Before.
I feel lost. I want to write what i feel but my hands seems too tired to try. I want to tell the world of my pain, paint every inch of suffering with my blood and still portray myself as a fairly contented person. I want to be happy but then I'm already supposed to be happy. I want to be continually numb to the situation surrounding me. I want to be eternally blind to the truth that amidst my ever reliable fighting spirit, it is bound to be a tragedy. I want to prove everyone wrong just by loving him more each day. I want people to see that we will both make it out alright and everything will be dandy. I want him alone and if i can't have him no one will.
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karimlan sa gitna ng liwanag
at |8:12 AM|
Friday, December 24, 2004
I am the Grinch
I hate the holidays (period.)
People usually enjoy Christmas. They go out, shop till they have no more money and eat till their tummies can no longer take food. I on the other hand, loathe the very thought of it. I cannot stand walking in a mall filled with all those "happy" looking people. I can't stand seeing couples holding hands while they chuckle away at their suprise presents to one another, and most importantly, i cant stand being alone.
Every holiday that comes, it is a given that i cannot be with Him. Apart from the world we both created lies a bigger universe filled with responsibilities we must fulfill accordingly. I cannot hold him back or tell him that it is with me he belongs with this christmas. He has a family. 3 kids and a suspicious wife who's almost on the verge of figuring it all out. We must be careful, i must learn to endure more and stop wanting impossibilities.
Yes i am in love with a married man. As much as I don't like to mention that private detail here, i feel that i must. Call me everything you want to: family breaker, mistress, kabit, querida, number 2 or simply bitch.. but the truth is there is only one fundamental reason why some women including myself (unfortunately) are in this sceneario, and that is because we have simply loved. The only wrong thing here is, i have loved a committed man.
I thought things were going to be easy for me. I mean i could leave any time i wanted to and he has no right to stop me whatsoever. What i wasn't counting on was the possibility that i would truly fall [ deeply] in love with this person given his restraining conditions. Now that we have passed the one year mark in our relationship, I have learned how to accept things as they are as well as the golden rule of "living everyday to the fullest." I dont really have qualms about the torment i suffer everyday, it's just that Christmas is supposed to be special..and him not being with me today, is just the same as killing me or taking away all the things i hold dear and precious.
I am in no mood to write right now. This has just been a short introduction as to what i hurdle through everyday. Maybe when im terribly drunk i can write up "our story" ..from how we met to how we are now on our 13th month. Anyhow, im off to take a nice bath, hoping that after the water hits me..the green paint will come off as well as my grinch syndrome.
*** i hope you're doing better than i am baby. i love you always enjoy your time with your family as i will try to do so here.
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karimlan sa gitna ng liwanag
at |2:13 AM|
Monday, December 20, 2004
Maybe
"Nais mo bang kalimutang ganap,ang ating suyuan at galak.." Usually I dont get myself bothered by such comments. "Maw parang totoo o," "parang muling ibalik ha," and the ever present hirit: "maw, parang may feelings." But this time it was different. When we sang "pasko na sinta ko" I was wondering if this song meant something to both of us. If our eyes were conveying what mere words could never express, if there still was a spark left between us.
I know it's crazy for me to think about it. The mere fact that i'm questioning myself and admitting that there is indeed something is insane, but nevertheless i cannot fight the urge to let it all out since all of this has been way overdue.
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"He courted me during the second semester of our first year,
everything changed since then."
Before all of this happened, we were first and foremost very good friends. I knew everything about him and vice versa. We went for afternoon walks, drank coffee together while discusing boys and everytime i felt like my world was crashing down on me, it was him that i always ran to. Everything seemed fine then and there was no sign whatsoever that he liked me. I mean, why would i think that he would possibly court a girl? At the very onset of our friendship he had been a self-confessed gay, so the thought of him being with a girl (in a not so platonic way) was crossed out from my mind.
If ever i had doubts, they were all in the spirit of curiousity. There were times when i asked him who would he be courting in our block and he would answer another girl's name. I had no clue as to how he felt about me, it was too late when i found out that he had been talking to our other friends about "us."
Enrollment came and even before i could reach the line to get my form 5, i was approached by Him. He was serious looking and his first words were: "may sasabihin ako sa'yo." I replied by saying: "boys na naman yan ano, summer flings mo as usual." He bit his lip in an act to muster up all his courage and after a while, he looked in to my eyes and told me in a "make no mistake" manner: "mahal kita maw, liligawan kita."
I was more than just suprised, I was thoroughly shocked. This was something I never expected from him. Not in a million years could i possibly imagine that a very "gay" fellow can ever admit to loving a girl as deeply as he did. Anyhow, he took most of my subjects so that the two of us would have the same schedule and more to this, he started to implement "major changes" in himself: i.e. no more accents, no more girlish moves and in short.. back to being a guy.
Everyone was surprised. He started wearing polo shirts, formal one's and not pastel colored. He sat beside me in class and he even took the time to always offer me food, hungry or not.
Anyhow, after two weeks I got fed up. I could'nt take it anymore. Yes, he was very sweet, kind, patient and supportive plus all of the other wonderful adjectives that wouldn't fit here but then, the thought that he is still "gay" no matter what bothered me. Sure, he made changes..but how long would that last? what if one day he woke up and it isn't me he wants to be with? it would truly hurt us both if we would invest emotions into something that would be doomed in the long run. So i finally decided to turn him down, in a good way at any rate.
I told him that "people don't change overnight, not in one semester, not in one year." I know that somehow this could have hurt him considering that if he was sincere about everything, this statement questioned all of the things he had done for me. This was the time he drifted far away. This was the time that he almost ignored me completely.
As ironic as it sounds, i missed him after two years. In the beginning everything was okay with me. Him not talking, me not bothering to ask why, until one day i realized that i missed "us." Our friendship was something i had treasured. He was someone who knew me inside out and when he placed that wall between us, an abyss started to grow and now on my third year in college i had felt the pang of losing someone.
Last month, i had the guts to finally confront him. I finally had the strength to tell him how i felt about all this. Since we were forced to always talk to each other, (for both of us were in the membership committee of the organization) i took it as an opportunity to once again open up to him. He was silent at first. He wanted me to lay down my cards before he replied to my every question, so i did: I asked him if he missed me in any way, he answered "yes." I asked him (indirectly) about his feelings for me and he said: "you will always be special to me maw." the same way you are "special to me" --i snapped back.
That was the conclusion of our conversation. I know that there are still a lot of things left unanswered to both of us but nevertheless we had an "understanding" as to what we really are to each other. I shouldn't really be thinking about this but sometimes i wonder if all his jokes were half meant, if all his self-panlalaglag were wishful thoughts and if all his songs were for me. I sound crazy right now don't I? Thinking of mundane possiblities when i myself am taken by another man. Anyway, my last note for this story is an anecdote of our "hula" (one by ate Anna and one by my friend Bryan): Ate Anna told him that he would be married to a girl he knows (plus they both have a favorite place to go to) and that his first kid will be a boy. Bryan told me that i'll be happy if i do get married and ill have 2 kids, one boy and one girl. Coincidence? Weird? Ironic? --Go figure.
P.S.
sometimes i still wonder, i cant help it.
( a very obvious remark)
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karimlan sa gitna ng liwanag
at |4:59 PM|
Saturday, December 18, 2004
You're an Angst writer!
~What Kind of Writer am I Quiz?~
Note: This is so true.
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karimlan sa gitna ng liwanag
at |1:57 AM|
What Kind of Girl are You Quiz:
You're like me! The intelligent loner. You're shy
at times but friendly, and you are never weak
and always independent. You are incredibly
intelligent (wise beyond your years) and have a
talent for many things (sports, music, art).
You have a kind and warm personality and enjoy
the simple things. Like hanging out with
friends and watching movies at home. But you're
sometimes quiet nature makes you a bit of an
outcast and a mystery to people. No matter how
pretty you are or smart or athletic, you just
can't seem to break into the crowd and be
noticed. Don't worry, try to be more outgoing
and speak out when you have more to say. Don't
hide behind your books and sports and computer,
get out there and get noticed. You also have
deep desires in life and feel vunerable and
alone at times. Don't feel sad either, What
helps me to express feelings and dreams that I
can't say to people, is through my writting.
Maybe you should try.
Well I'm not exactly a "loner" but nevertheless i enjoy being alone. It is not about being shy or being afraid to talk to otehrs, it's just that sometimes things are better left unsaid and besides, i talk a lot when I'm in school. So right now I'm wondering what made this quiz categorie me into such. Anyway, it's all good. I'm back to blogging again and this time im including loads of quizes on my site. harharhar
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karimlan sa gitna ng liwanag
at |12:30 AM|
Saturday, May 01, 2004
FIRE WALKER
I washed my feet with water
Carefully I scrubbed my nails
Removing any traces of dirt
Cleansing thoroughly every part.
I prepared the fire
Gathered charcoal for it to burn
Waited patiently as it slowly
Changed into a fierce red.
It is time again
And I am ready to walk
Feel the heat as I inch my way
Through the steaming debris
Calm as my feet touched the fire
Serene, as my body suffer searing pain
I am numbed as my skin thaws
Bleeding merrily in warmth.
This is what I do everyday
the ache is but trivial to my contentment.
And I no longer complain,
Instead I endure my happiness.
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karimlan sa gitna ng liwanag
at |11:16 PM|
Friday, April 30, 2004
Learning
I have been busy.
After some setbacks last semester, I have finally focused my energies into something positive.. which is to say becoming an English major this summer break. It's funny that at the mention of the word "summer" people usually associate this with vacation, warm beaches, sexy well tanned bodies or just plain loafing around but to me.. summer means studying under the scorching heat of the sun. Yes, I am taking summer classes. Even if I didn't want to, I had to. I am forced upon it because last semester wasn't at all fruitful to me, actually it was a disaster. Imagine dropping not one but two subjects, sure you're getting high marks with the rest of your subjects but on the basis of attaining the required units per year.. that would be a problem.
There's actually a lot of things that happened this past two months. Not only in my academics, but my personal life as well. Agonizing would be the word best to describe March and April. I mean during my birthday, I got the best present of it all ---- losing the election in my organization. I know it's either I sound bitter because of that loss or I'm sour grapping---- but let me tell you frankly I'm not. I have been working my ass off for two years in that organization. For five semesters I've worked in my beloved committee which is the seccom. Elections came and of course I ran. I ran not because I have other reasons than to serve the org and the committee that I have come to love but seems to me that there are people who can just throw away those 2 years of loyalty and unswerving service for so called "better reasons."
I have nothing against my opponent. I mean, he's a good kid. It's the people around that I'm against. I mean if you think about it, of course it's alright to show whose side are you on but remember also that the other person has FEELINGS. Hell, let's not even think that I'm your friend but first and foremost a "HUMAN". As a human being you should be sensitive enough to know that you are already hurting someone and that you're actions are doing more harm than supposed good.
They've hurt me. They were so used to my smiles and my silence that they think I haven't got the fucking backbone to stand up for myself. NOW THIS IS THE PART WHERE THEY'RE ALL WRONG. Silence does not mean COWARDICE, I was trying to be good to all of you because I treated you as my REAL FRIENDS. But I guess, you guys were never really "real" to me for when did so called "friends" turn on each other?
All in all, I've realized that these are the kinds of people you meet here in UP. Some are good some are bad, some are friends and some will be your enemies.. this is what makes life. Twist and turns are inevitable: whether you go up or fall down, the end will always be a constant: you've learned something out of those experiences.
And I did learn--the hard way around.
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karimlan sa gitna ng liwanag
at |7:00 PM|
Friday, February 06, 2004
Pre Valentine Blues
I'm intoxicated..
and i know it.
I am high. I am not wasted, but i am high. I'm currently listening to "here, there and everywhere" by the Beatles and my lips curls to form a smile at the slightest provacation. No, i did not get an order of a tall mocha frappe topped with overwhelming whipped cream nor did i kidnapped Paul to sing to me "till there was you" and gagged him till he realized that the song is definitely made for me..Well, all that was nonexistent..instead.. i had a dose of a "beautiful perfect day" ( yes..it is possible! after a long ardous debate on whether or not it can really happen to people like us.)
We look like Sonny and Cher minus the funny outfits and the outrageous hairstyles. Sonny with his ever present guitar and Cher by his side smiling like there's no tomorrow.. what the heck, they might look weird and out of place sometimes, but you cant deny that
THEYRE HAPPY.. And Yes.. i am happy.. blisfully happy that is. He has this magical way of turning a very bad day into something wonderful. He'll just give you one of his lines and jokes and oops..there you go forming a dimple. When the day comes to an end, you just wish that you have another hour left to be with him.. just hugging him close, feeling his heartbeat while kissing him softly. Sure, he may not be the most handsome guy on earth, he may not have much of a say in terms of physical appearance or when it comes to talents.. but for me.. he is nevertheless PERFECT...and that's how everything shall stay.
PS: tick tock tick tock..It's 12 days before Valentine's day. Ive been thinking what to do when that special day arrives. I mean we could go out, eat at some fancy restaurant or we could go to mc donalds ( we're french fries people, and we adore ketchup and mayonnaise ). I could buy him a gift ( which hopefully he will like ) or better yet take him some place romatic where the two of us can be alone.
After all this planning and thinking..it hits me. Everyday with him is VALENTINES DAY. i dont need a certain date to tell me that this day is ought to be special.
BEING with him is SPECIAL enough. i guess as the old saying goes; there are still things that money cant buy and i think gifts, roses nor chocolates can never replace what Im feeling inside when i have him beside me snoring like a baby ( even at his ugliest, i find him terribly cute ) or when i see him strumming his guitar while looking into my eyes and singing me his heart.
He makes each day worth living, and amidst every hardship that shall come our way..i will never doubt the fact that I am indeed blessed... because i have him.
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karimlan sa gitna ng liwanag
at |1:36 AM|
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Being with him
He is playing the keyboards at my back, singing me love songs that i know comes from his heart. I should be there beside him, singing along even if my voice doesnt even come close to the right tune of what he's playing ( hey at least i know the lyrics ) but im here in front of his pc, typing away as fast as i can.. and you know why?
"i want to capture this moment"
Remember how a sunset looks? the way the sun has a magical way of combining red and orange hues just before it comes down..or the first time you were kissed. Not really the action but the emotion that was felt during the "kiss". A bit giddy, a bit edgy but overall, a warm feeling of delight and contentment under his arms. This is how it feels like when im with him, it's a never ending sunny day with a rocky road ice cream on one hand and a blue berry cheesecake on the other.
Today is one of those days. It makes me feel as though nothing can possibly go wrong in my world. It's true that i feel like i need to lose weight plus the fact that i flunked an exam and dropped 2 subjects, but all these seems irrelevant when im here in his house, singing at the top of my lungs and watching "youve got mail" while snuggling close in the sofa.
Yes..i am a "live by the moment" kind of person. A melodramatic fool who sees life not as the "big picture" but as a small screen video which shows me the "little" things i encounter along the way. What makes life so interesting is not the end of the journey..but the journey itself.. and to tell you frankly, every turn - may it be wrong or right.. is still worth taking for me.
I took this path two months ago. I am not sure where it is taking me or if it will take me somewhere for that matter. the only thing i know is that i love where im in right now. I will not give predictions as to what will happen to us after 1 year or if "he" is already the one who will be my end all and be all, but..let me tell you that each day with him is a slice of heaven. sinful as it is..it is amazing how a person like me, who is prone to asking for more, seems contented in every aspect.
i have written too much again. author's note:
Capturing a moment is a very difficult task..i attempted to do so in this article but failed miserably. Perhaps it is because moments are not supposed to be caught but instead etched. Etched in a place where it cant be erased. A place where time poses not as a barrier and even the mind cant change the authenticity of the emotion felt.
PS: my heart has him, and will not let go.
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karimlan sa gitna ng liwanag
at |3:28 AM|
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Love- (Un)defined
I'm in love. period. every love song no matter how corny they are sounds wonderful to my ears. I'm particularly drawn to alternative music and the beatles (which i adore to the point of proclaiming that the song "and i love her" is written for me and no one else. ) but .. nowadays, my ears leap upon hearing some mushy, gawky, ( give me all the synonyms for sentimental ) music. As i am writing this i am listening to my compilation of jazz songs like "send a little love my way," "the lady wants to know" and "me and mrs. jones." it's funny that a few years back i wouldn't be caught listening to these kinds of tracks and now i have turned into a collector myself. Sometimes i wonder if its karma that made this leap of faith in me ( musical faith that is ) but then I'm reminded of my current situation, which is the fact that -i am in love- and therefore gives a basis for this brand new inclination.
(on the pretext that love explains all things)
On that note: I guess i could write a million things that would explain or at least attempt to define this "state" i am in right now, but still.. i refuse to believe that it can fully capture the essence of "love" perse.. LOVE captured on paper is beautiful but the problem with this is that it removes the "mystical" quality the term has. It is no longer vague to us, it is defined and then characterized so it loses its appeal. i am not saying that 'love' needs to be a big question mark since if that is the case falling into it would be like your odds in winning a lottery ticket. The point is, love is abstract. The more we let our imagination fly with it and invent what it means for us.. the 'more beautiful' our perception of the term will be.
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karimlan sa gitna ng liwanag
at |9:13 AM|
Monday, February 02, 2004
Ode to Love
If I know what love is, it is because of you.
I never had this compulsion to want someone this bad..
I never felt the ache to need someone this much..
So much..
That I can't start the day without you in my thoughts.
So much..
That I can't bear a minute without hearing your voice.
You taught me how it is to unselfishly love
To learn how to understand more than I can comprehend
And most of all .. to trust
Amidst all the uncertainties that are in our way.
Sometimes I wonder what made me this way
How I saw all the good that was in you,
How beautiful you are to my eyes
I guess there really is no explanation for this,
We love, simply, because we love.
And there is no other way to put it.
I was afraid this time would come
When I don't have the courage to let go anymore,
Even if I must..
Because it's difficult not to feel pain
When I know you can never truly be mine
But still I insist,
Im giving you all of me
Im giving you all there is of me.
All I'm asking you now, is to take my heart
Promise me you'll never return it.
For Him*
When someone asks you.. why do you love me? answer them this way. WE LOVE BECAUSE WE LOVE. attributes of the person ( whether they be beautiful, smart, fun to be with, etc ) are just mere side dishes we get in addition to our main menu... but the bottomline remains: "we love because there is no other way to express the way we feel about them."
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karimlan sa gitna ng liwanag
at |8:59 AM|
Sunday, February 01, 2004
Something to cure those heart shaped blues
I don't really watch t.v. but today, instead of studying in the confines of my room, I decided to be a bum and sit in front of the idiot box. At first I was watching a show on AXN which is famous for its horrendous at the same time stomach turning escapades. It was a celebrity special and Steven Baldwin, the actor who portrayed "Barney" in the Flintstones in Vegas movie was the victor of the show. Well, so much for that and since the next program was some lousy cop story, I decided to channel surf. My hands were getting tired from pressing the remote but still I couldn't find anything interesting.
Imagine an approximate of 200 channels in home cable and I still couldn't find something to interest me! At last, I finally made up my mind to stick to star movies no matter what. I didn't know what movie was going to be shown but since things were getting depressing, I said "what the heck, might as well try this." I guess I'm not such a movie fanatic either, for if I was I would have known at first sight what the film was about. Since my memory bank for movies was quite limited to sci-fi and action, the title "Someone Like You" didn't ring a bell. Call it destiny or fate, but I believe that I was meant to watch this movie. Heck! I even believe that I am the actual persona Ashley Judd was portraying.
talk about my insanity!
In the movie, girl meets perfect boy. Perfect boy makes the 'moves'. Girl falls for perfect boy. But that's not it, remember this is not an ordinary movie. I compared it to my life and in my life, nothing turns out right.. well.. most of the times. Mr. Right in the movie was a perfect man.. I used the verb 'was' because he really isn't. Like most of the guys we meet, at first they are all charming, adorable little harbingers of death, I mean love. It is only after a few days, weeks or even months that we realize that things are not always what they seem.
Perfection wasn't enough a word to describe him. He was the man of her dreams. Affectionate, sensitive and sweet were just few of the qualities he possessed. He was the center of her universe, the air she needed to breathe. For crying out loud he was the stuff Sidney Sheldon characters were made of! She was so happy, she wanted their relationship to never end. She would do anything to keep him and when he left, the obvious happened. Her whole world was shattered into heart wrenching pieces. Sniff, sniff! Sad isn't it? What can I say.. This is the story of my life. If you think that's the worst part, you're wrong. Waking up the next day and finding out that the girl he has left you for is a friend or colleague of yours, is what I call 'really sickening'.
So Ashley Judd goes through the rest of the movie feeling like a complete loser. She was in pain, she was bitter and she hated men in general. It was funny how she loathed him and at the same time kept on hoping that he would somehow come back. Honestly, that's probably the most common reaction we girls have upon facing this dilemma. It isn't that easy to erase every bit of memory we have of the person we had loved. It's not a computer program that we can delete, not a bad case of indigestion that ends up when we drink imodium. The memory lingers and stays in our minds and it takes time before we get it out of our system.
We all know what happens next, don't we! We fall into the pit of depression, turn into moping zombies and worst yet we become doomsday preachers of love. In short, we theorize on everything about the evils of the male species. Negativity sets in and creates an abyss about what we think about men. In Ashley Judd's terms, men are animals, most specifically cows. Cows who when they get tired of us or find a 'new and fresh pasture' over some meadow, will quickly abandon us without hesitation. Think about it, can you really blame us for entering into this hate-more hate relationship?
Anyway, after some time we tend to convince ourselves that we're fine, but deep inside, very deep down inside, we know that we are never going to be that foolish or trusting again. On some level of our consciousness, we think that single blessedness is the only street we can drive ourselves to. We start to ask "Is it worth the pain again?" I guess I was not spared from this paranoid attitude for I suffered this kind of behavior for at least 2 months. It's funny how I seemed to think that every guy out there is a wolf hiding in sheep's clothing. I may look calm and reasonable on the outside, but in the vast expanse of my thoughts, I was such in a frenzied state that I doubted the very meaning of love itself.
I don't know the exact reason why I'm writing this. All I know is that something in that movie triggered me to. Sure, Ashley Judd went bonkers for the guy, was left a 'mess' but in the end she turned out alright. She was miserable and hurting but in the end she survived. Maybe that's the point I want to convey. Life doesn't have to end with one, two, or even up to a dozen heartbreaks. It must go on, we must face tomorrow and not still be caught up in the past. We must confront our demons, fight our own battles amidst the countless tragedies and pain inflicted on us.
I'll tell you a little secret that I learned from the film. This secret is so useful, that after knowing this, I feel that you are going to understand the intricate stupidities and follies we commit upon falling in love (well, that's if you really want to). After being in the state of self denial, that's the part where she refuses to accept that it's over, she begins to be a pessimist. She tells herself that no one will love her the same way she thinks they should. She cries herself to sleep, curses the guy who left her and believes that all men out there are out to leave women. All the while, she didn't realize that her best friend was always there for her. He supported her and tried his best to convince her that not all men are like that. That she doesn't have to close her heart because of what happened, that in time the real Mr. Right will come along. It took her quite some time before she found out who 'Mr. Right' was but nevertheless she finally saw through the bitterness and pain and eventually she realized that the person she was searching for was just right under her nose.
Yes, the impossible for her has happened. She fell in love again and do you know why? It's because she finally learned to accept things as they are. She finally released her angst towards her past and she decided to move on. In our lifetime, we will meet a lot of 'Mr. Right Now, Mr. Wrong' before we meet "Mr. Right." All we need to do is to understand that this is just a part of life. Yes, part of our everyday life. We make mistakes, we cry, we feel miserable but what's important is that we stand up after our fall and not let ourselves just sulk in the mud. Who knows, maybe like her, our Mr. Right is just beside us, it just takes time for us to realize that. Usually, I hate movies with sappy, romantic, happily ever after endings but this time I felt good while watching Ashley Judd in his arms. The world was again right for her and finally she was with someone who knew her better than that has been cow that she was with before. Well, I may not have found or even saw a glimpse of my "Mr. Right" but then this movie gave me hope that it isn't impossible to love again after your heart has painfully bled. I'm not saying that we should quickly change our beliefs and all that, but at least keep an open mind about things and don't let our emotions get the better of us.
The past will only hurt us if we let it. With that thought in mind, guess what guys.. We women of the world are free from your clutches, from your bondages of torment and from your shackles of emotional baggages. We will indeed love again, given the right time, with the right person, the universe will again find harmony and order and we shall prevail. Yes, we women shall prevail over you stinking cows and we'll have the last laugh! While you 'guys' are still trapped in your world of fast paced pseudo-romances, we women shall find true love at last. Remember in 1 million cows out there, it is possible that 100 Mr. Rights are just waiting to be discovered. So ladies, don't give up hope.. Someone like a tall, handsome Keannu Reeves might just pop out one day and fall madly in love with us (am I being overly optimistic?). Anyway, if it isn’t Keannu Reeves in tight leather pants, at least it will most probably be the 'real perfect guy' in the movie and with that who could ask for more.
Author's note:
This isn't just a pep talk for myself. The point is 'life doesn't end with tragedies we encounter along the way'. Love is confusing, love at times is miserable, but in the end.. Love is still what it is.. a gift, a blessing, a profound feeling of an unbearable lightness of being.. (hehe) Anyway, try not to be a pessimist. Do you want to go on with your everyday life like demented person (well, I used to be, I think I still am!) always thinking that today something wrong will probably happen. Instead of that way of thinking, Be glad to be alive, since not all people in the world who slept last night opened their eyes and lived to see the morning. Feel the warmth of the sun, stop and smell the flowers, and in the words of Roberto Benigni "Life is beautiful" and isn't that enough reason to be happy?
Well to tell you the truth, it is.
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karimlan sa gitna ng liwanag
at |7:56 PM|
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
Julia Roberts (Prince Charming Lost and Found Fanatic Club)
I can never seem to remember dates.
I have a problem with numbers. Anything relating to numbers, my memory seems to ditch those kinds of information. This all boils down to when I first started watching "pretty woman".. Yes, I am a Julia Robert's fan or should I say fanatic ( fanatic - a term applied to a person who can stand watching the same film for the nth time.) I don't know if I was eight years old ( which is bad, coz if I did watch it at this age.. I wonder what I thought about the porn side of it, well fine.. not really porn but then Julia Roberts with Richard Gere in the bath tub with her legs spread apart. Lol ) or ten or eleven.. all I knew was.. from then on, I adored those types of film, wait .. and also Julia Roberts ( no this article is not about lesbianism or my tendencies toward that word. )- joke.
I have watched pretty woman for more than 30 times and each time I watch it, may it be on the vcd I bought, or on HBO ( which shows the movie yearly ), it never fails to make me feel the same way I felt the very first time I saw it. Sure.. Julia Roberts looks funny in her "whore" attire ( remember the pink bob she wears at the start of the movie before she jumps into Richard Gere's car plus the skimpy leather outfit which clearly shows that during 1980's she looks more like a stick ) but nevertheless.. the movie is absolutely wonderful in every sense of the word.
Who wouldn't want to be Cinderella? Who would refuse a "prince charming?" And speaking in a realist point of view: who wouldn't want to be twenty ( and don't forget beautiful, tall, thin plus having that gorgeous, crazy smile that drives men nuts? ) I still get a high out of watching some rich handsome (richard gere looking) person fall in love with an exact opposite. I mean in this movie, impossibilities were met and Cinderella, mind you, got the ending she wanted.
You might say that this is all childish stuff. The very concept of fairytales as something we believed in when we were kids as compared to the reality of what we know of life as adults now. But forget all that and think for just a moment: WOULDN'T WE WANT THAT TO COME TRUE?.. I mean, if you were desperately seeking your knight in shining armor, your elusive mr.prince charming .. wouldn't you want to believe that someday.. somehow.. THE RIGHT ONE will.. come along? Wouldn't you want to see some evidence that indeed, there are "happy endings?"
In "pretty woman" you see "happily ever after" at the end of the book.. but you don't see Julia Roberts on that silly last scene where Richard Gere goes to her apartment by climbing the fire escape to give her flowers plus a promise of forever.. YOU SEE YOURSELF (as you want it to be, as it ought to be in your world )..well I did see that.. and I still do.
You wonder why movies like this sell? -----I don't. We are all hopeless romantics whether we care to admit it or not.
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karimlan sa gitna ng liwanag
at |9:00 PM|
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
4 pieces of Belgian delight
Filled with creamy chocolate filling
Melts in your tongue with every bite
Each part made to your liking
Bacon crisped to perfection
In two heaving buns, delicate and tender
With mushroom sauce oozing from inside
Creates hamburger like no other
Long salted potato strips
In ketchup and mayonnaise dipped
Along side a tall order of mocha frappe
Top it with your fettish of cream whipped
An intimate afternoon affair
Of tastebuds frolicking in passion
Satisfying both hunger and thirst
Beyond physical nourishment or reason
Wash it all down with water
To hide away our sinful appetite
I know I'll be back again tomorrow
Giving what you crave for before you're home at night.
*the only punctuation mark i placed was at the end to further stipulate the hastiness of the actions taking place.. do you really think this poem is just about food or a mere cover up for something more "sinfully delicious?".. obviously, that is a give-a-way clue.. (lol )------matakaw ako, literally and connotatively.
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karimlan sa gitna ng liwanag
at |4:16 PM|
Monday, January 26, 2004
Monday BlueS...
its monday today..
'nough said.
Monday represents the start of the week.. something we should all look forward to because today we can all begin the next 6 days to come with a smile plus a matching good mood.. (which will hopefully last the whole week through)..but then..as ive said, things dont always go the way we want them to ( not in my world, i mean. )
i got sick yesterday and this happened for no reason at all..well, to be honest maybe i was tired. exams poured in last week and let me tell you, they are not just exams they are "math exams" ( which represents a higher level of torture than your regular subjects).
(since i havent got the time to finish all this.. id continue this later when im home.. )
currently staying at keyks house..
keyk - synonym for beloved..
bye for now.
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karimlan sa gitna ng liwanag
at |1:05 PM|
Sunday, January 25, 2004
"this is my very first time to write here"- isnt this the most common introduction line to any journal be it in a notebook, hand held or even here in an online diary?.. Actually to be frank and honest, all my other journals which start with "this is my first time to write here" always managed to give me trouble. trouble in the sense that i am already traumatized by the fact that every journal i seem to make gets discovered, and worse..read ( read by people who i especially dont want to know whatever it is im thinking about ). This is probably why i stopped writing for a while. well, not really but writing in terms of keeping copies.
(its not that im shifting away from the topic but i think that it would be best to start this journal by giving the very reason for its existence for without purpose one thing ceases into being )
Why do i write?..i write because i have nothing better to do ( which is a lie ..wahahha ) okay, seriously speaking, i write because it is innate in me to express myself using words. i am an extrovert ( as what my friends would tell you upon asking if i am the shy type )but then even "happy go lucky people with no fear of the masses" have a part of them that they feel as though they cant show. this part of me becomes alive each time i write. each time i pour myself into words. i believe that there is nothing more pure than putting your thoughts into paper.. for each letter, each syllable you create is something you pondered upon.. i mean, anyone can speak well, can manipulate words while verbally communicating even without thinking much of what they are saying.. but when you write.. you think before you type, and therefore what you have written is a product of your inner self ( no matter how you try to shield it.)
(going back to my fear of journals: )
** i am still quite traumatized by the fact that each diary i made had brought me nothing but trouble.. but maybe it is because i was young then and stupid. yes, i am not afraid to say that i was 'stupid' before. i mean i did not take care of my things, i did not put value over the honesty and the security my journaly represented, thats why it was always being discovered lurking under the bed or some cabinet.
but not this time..
I know now how important it is to find a breathing room. How it feels to have something to share everything that is happening with your life ( be it happy, tragic, confusing or a mix of everything ).. from this day forth journal,
From NOTHINGNESS, I GIVE YOU LIFE.. and with this life.. i give you a glimpse of me.. - my world, my realm.. as i live each day equally antagonistic yet eternally hopeful to the fruits of life lived to the fullest everyday.
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karimlan sa gitna ng liwanag
at |1:02 AM|
